


Heaven (Rewrite)

by Opatrickr



Series: Coming To Terms [1]
Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fear, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Platonic Tuffy, Religion, Religious Family, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-09 20:53:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19483828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opatrickr/pseuds/Opatrickr
Summary: TJ Kippen is head over heels for Cyrus Goodman, the class shrink. Unfortunately, TJ can never act out his feelings because his religion tells him not to.Or, the one where TJ is a golden boy that is hopelessly pining after Cyrus and someone decides to do something about it.





	1. I've got God on my side.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a rewrite of a different Fic I wrote; this one is hopefully a little better researched.

TJ Kippen knew two things in life: one, he was gay, and two, he was not allowed to be. TJ had been a devout Christian his entire life. When your father is the pastor of one of the local churches, it makes it hard not to be. TJ spent his life dreading the fact that he was gay. He spent so much of his life worrying about what he was doing to make sure he got to heaven. A lot of his time was spent on worrying about if his heart was just mistaken. Who knows, all TJ knew was that he wanted to make sure he never had to deal with it.

“Do you want to play a game of Horse after school?” Buffy Driscoll asked her best friend.

TJ was so happy that he had Buffy in his life; when he started panicking about his gayness, she was always there to talk him down. Buffy was an atheist, but she never pushed the matter with TJ, and he loved her for it.

“Sounds good to me,” TJ said with a smirk, “What, are you suddenly in the mood to lose?” he asked.

Buffy punched his arm, “Not a chance, Kippen. I was more in the mood to use you like a mop.”

TJ playfully rolled his eyes at her.

“Wow, Teej, I didn’t know that you would let a girl talk to you like that.” Reed chimed in.

Reed was not TJ’s favorite, TJ only hung out with him because Reed was on the basketball team that TJ was the captain of.

Marty decided to join in on the conversation now, “Oh, shut up, Reed. Misogyny is so 1950’s. You just sound like an idiot.”

Reed rolled his eyes and took a bite of his apple. Buffy glared at the blond boy for a few more moments, which caused him to shrink back in his seat.

Then TJ saw him, Cyrus Goodman, the boy that changed everything in TJ’s life, enter the cafeteria. Back in seventh grade, Cyrus came out as gay and became the talk of the school. It was funny though, Cyrus was friends with Andi Mack, an art nerd, and Jonah Beck, the ultimate frisbee captain. None of them were ever considered the ‘cool’ kids. Yet, Cyrus coming out, instantly got them the popular status. They were referred to as the ‘Good Hair Crew’ and the most likable people you could ever meet. Cyrus was the best out of the three in TJ’s opinion, Cyrus had four shrinks for parents, which made him the go-to person when someone was having problems. He probably knew more about the student body than the school guidance counselor. Except for TJ, TJ had never talked with the brown-eyed boy. If anyone were to ask TJ why that was, he would simply say that he didn’t have any problems to talk about. The real reason is that he was mortified of the boy. TJ had the worst crush on him, and TJ was pretty sure that Cyrus didn’t even know that he existed.

An elbow to the ribs from Buffy broke TJ’s gaze from the cute boy across the room. “I think we should head out.” buffy looked at TJ intently, “Don’t you agree, _Captain_?”

TJ could feel the heat rising in his cheeks, “Yeah, time to go.” TJ gathered his things, and they were off.

Buffy led TJ out of the cafeteria and pulled TJ into an empty stairwell, “You are a disaster, you know that? You always preach about not acting on your feelings but watching you hopelessly pine after another person is heartbreaking, Teej. You sure you can’t just break the rules and go ask the little twig of a boy out?”

TJ felt tears begin to burn in the corners of his eyes, “You know I can’t do that.” TJ said over the lump forming in his throat. He coughed and continued, “Unlike _you_ , I actually care about my soul.”

Buffy rolled her eyes and sighed, “I h _ate_ seeing you this miserable.”

TJ rubbed his eyes, “I have no idea what you’re talking about, I’m just the happy-go-lucky ‘straight’ son of the town pastor.” He said, flashing buffy a forced smile.

Buffy usually played along with TJ’s nonsense, not today though. She threw her arms around him and said, “I love you, please don’t forget that.”

TJ stood there, not hugging back, due to the shock of the sudden show of affection from his best friend.

Bringing a hand up to her back, TJ said, “I know that, you don’t need to worry about me. I’m good, I’ve got God on my side.” The words sounded wrong coming from his mouth, which was strange because that was basically TJ Kippen’s motto.

Buffy pulled away from the embrace, “Whatever you say, your holiness.” She curtsied before she turned to walk out of the stairwell to her next class. Just before she turned the corner, she shot TJ a mischievous smile.

Quirking an eyebrow, at the girl’s strange behavior, TJ went on his own way to class.

TJ walked out of the stairwell and right into someone, who proceeded to fall down to the floor. Panic shot through TJ as he went to the kid’s side, “Are you o-“ TJ’s words were cut off by the shock of realizing who he had just walked in to.

Cyrus was rubbing his head, as he said, “You have remarkably sturdy shoulders.”

TJ was speechless, he had never been this close to the Cyrus Goodman before. Cyrus was even more beautiful up close. TJ was crouched over the smaller boy and felt the air rush out of his lungs when Cyrus’ chocolate brown eyes looked up at him. TJ took in every part of Cyrus’ face as he offered his hand to the cute boy.

“I’m so sorry, Cyrus,” TJ said, forgetting to let go of the amazingly soft hand that belonged to Cyrus.

Cyrus rubbed one of his eyes, which was one of the cutest things TJ had ever seen, “It’s okay, it was just an accident.” Cyrus dropped his hand and looked at TJ with a little fear, “That was an accident, right? I’m not on the basketball team’s hit list or something, right? I promise I just go to the games for my friends. Nothing else.”

TJ felt a pang of guilt, why was Cyrus Goodman afraid of him. “No, not at all. You’ve helped a lot of the players on my team with their problems.” TJ said, it wasn’t a lie, “You’re like our team shrink.”

The fear melted off of Cyrus’ face, and the most dazzling smile lit it up, “Oh, good, I’m glad I could help.” He paused and looked behind the basketball player. TJ turned around to check what he was looking at, there was nothing there, he turned back to Cyrus’ cute face, “My class is that way.” He pointed behind TJ.

“Oh, sorry, I’ll let you go.” TJ stepped out of the way and swept his arm out like he was pulling a curtain back.

Cyrus walked by with a smile and said, “See you around, TJ.”

As Cyrus walked away, TJ was suddenly struck by the realization of how many people were around him. Somehow, Cyrus had made the rest of the world drift away when they spoke with each other. TJ blinked away his confusion and went on his way.


	2. What do you mean?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TJ talks about his feelings.

TJ had spent the rest of the day, wanting to be near Cyrus again. The fact that the world had somehow vanished around them while they talked was such an intoxicating feeling.

Just before TJ got into his car, Buffy appeared, making him jump, “How are you so quiet?” he asked her while gripping his heart.

Buffy threw her head back, laughing she asked, “Aww, did I scare little TJ Kitten?” She pouted her lips at him.

TJ chuckled at the nickname, “I’m not a kitten, I’m more of a…” TJ paused to think, then went with, “A mountain lion!”

Buffy rolled her eyes as TJ made swiping motions at her, “Whatever you say,” she smiled. “Oh, by the way, you’re welcome.”

TJ stared at her with a questioning look, “What are you talking about?”

“You’ll see, probably later tonight. Let me know how it goes!” She said as she jogged away.

“I don’t like the sound of this, Buffy!” TJ yelled after her. She gave him a wave over her head.

Shaking his head, TJ got in his car and drove home. When he arrived, he found his dad sitting in the living room, working on his computer, probably his next sermon.

“Hey, dad!” TJ said as he set his backpack down.

His father, John, looked up at him and smiled, “Hey, kiddo, how was school?”

TJ thought about his encounter with Cyrus, and an explosion of butterflies went off in his stomach, “It was fine, nothing out of the usual.” He lied.

“How’s Buffy doing?” His dad asked, almost on cue. John loved that his son was best friends with Buffy, mostly because John thought that TJ had a crush on her.

TJ rolled his eyes, “She’s fine, dad.”

“What was that look for? I’m just curious about my son and his _friends_.” His dad said, winking at him.

Oh, how TJ hated not being able to tell his dad that it was never going to happen, “She’s not my ‘ _friend’_ she’s just my friend.” TJ let out an annoyed huff and went to his room. His dad looked after him as he stormed off, worried about the nerve he had touched in his son.

Closing the door, he went to his desk and started working on his homework, while he sat there, writing away at his English essay, Buffy’s words drifted around his head. _What had she been talking about?_ He thought to himself, _what had she done?_

Almost on cue, his phone buzzed, and he dug it out of his pocket.

**Unknown Number:** This is really strange for me, and probably just as odd for you, but your friend said that you needed advice.

TJ stared at his phone in bewilderment, what was going on, was this some sort of prank?

**Cyrus:** Oh, this is Cyrus Goodman by the way.

Almost throwing his phone across the room, TJ began to panic. Why would Buffy give his number to Cyrus Goodman!?

**Cyrus:** And if you’re wondering, your friend didn’t tell me who’s number this is so you don’t have to be mad at them for ratting you out.

TJ was going to kill Buffy the next time he saw her.

**TJ:** Well, that was kind of her.

**Cyrus:** Haha yeah, she didn’t tell you she was doing this, did she?

**TJ:** Of course not, but it’s okay, I feel bad for you though, I don’t really have anything I need to talk about.

**Cyrus:** That’s cool, if you change your mind, you have my number now, just shoot me a text.

TJ felt conflicted, part of him didn’t want to stop messaging the cutest boy in school, while the other half kept screaming at him to stop interacting. Letting some ideas bounce around in his head, he finally decided that talking more couldn’t hurt. What could possibly go wrong, Cyrus had no idea who he was talking with anyway.

**TJ:** Actually, there is something…

**Cyrus:** Oh?

**TJ:** Yeah, long story short, I’m very Christian and a guy, and I like this other guy. But I can’t act on it; I kinda have the intention of going to heaven.

**Cyrus:** Oh…

What did that mean? Did Cyrus not like religious people? Had TJ just ruined this?

**Cyrus:** I’m sorry you have to go through that. I don’t know very much about Christianity, I’m Jewish, but I’m pretty sure I’ve read somewhere that a lot of churches are more accepting of us gays nowadays.

Sighing, TJ stared at the message on his phone, Cyrus was right, churches were becoming more accepting of people being gay, acting on those ‘feelings’ was a whole different story though. His father was also not the pastor of one of those more accepting churches either.

So many thoughts were crashing through TJ’s head at that moment. He had always believed in his religion and what he was taught growing up. But sometimes, sometimes he would wonder how much freedom he would feel if he left it all behind. Maybe not all of it though, he really loved most of the practices.

**TJ:** Yeah, that’s true about the churches, but I’m kinda stuck at the one I’m currently at. They’re not so fond of us gays.

TJ didn’t want to divulge too much information; a lot of people knew that he was the pastor’s son. No need to chance that discovery.

**Cyrus:** It’s kinda hard to say no to the family, when they’re all ready to go. I get that.

Did Cyrus somehow know who he was talking to, TJ began to panic again.

**TJ:** What do you mean?

**Cyrus:** Well I assume you probably carpool with your family to church every Sunday, that’s what most Christians do haha

_Phew, he was just generalizing,_ TJ thought to himself.

**TJ:** Oh, right. Yeah, very, very hard to say no to that.

A thought occurred to TJ as he stared at the conversation in front of him. Cyrus had no idea who he was. He could be candid about everything.

**TJ:** I sometimes wish I could just run away from it all. I wish I could tell the boy that I like that I like him.

**Cyrus:** Why can’t you tell the boy? Is it really acting on it if you just talk with him?

**TJ:** Talking is a gateway to more.

**Cyrus:** Well if you want my professional opinion, I would say that you should do what will make you happy. It sucks to feel down all the time.

**TJ:** Professional?

**Cyrus:** You got me there. I sometimes forget that I’m just doing this because people expect me to.

TJ’s heart clenched at that, Cyrus didn’t like always being the advice giver.

**TJ:** I'm sorry, I can stop bothering you. You shouldn’t feel like you have to do this.

**Cyrus:** Please don’t go.

That made TJ smile, Cyrus wanted to keep talking with him. What an amazing feeling.

**Cyrus:** I feel like I really get you. Not to project my own feelings on you, but…

**TJ:** Yeah, I get it; we’re both in similar situations.

**Cyrus:** Could I get a little advice from you?

**TJ:** Brave of you to assume that I’m competent enough for that haha

**Cyrus:** Don’t put yourself down, I like you, and I think you’re very competent.

Blushing, TJ held his phone up to his chest and giggled. _The_ Cyrus Goodman liked him! Granted, Cyrus had no idea who he was, but that was still a win for TJ.

**TJ:** Sorry, plus it’s only fair. I’ve dumped my problems on you. Go for it; I’m all eyes.

**Cyrus:** Haha, very clever. Anyway, I’ve had a crush on this guy for the longest time. The only problem is, I’m like 90% sure that he’s straight. Plus, he’s way out of my league. Like he’s famous, you probably know who he is honestly, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t heard of him.

**TJ:** Can I know who it is?

**Cyrus:** I feel like you have an unfair advantage in this situation, you know who I am, so, you would have very personal information about me. That’s a lot of power to give an anonymous person.

Cyrus had a pint, TJ did have an unfair advantage.

**TJ:** Valid point, don’t tell me, that is your secret to keep.

**TJ:** I think you should just tell him, what’s the worst that could happen?

**Cyrus:** Funny that you say that, that’s exactly what I think you should do with your crush. What’s the worst that could happen?

**TJ:** I don’t know if I could turn my back on what I believe like that.

**Cyrus:** If you have to give up a piece of who you are, is heaven really worth it?

That question hit TJ like a ton of bricks. He had never thought of it like that; he really was trying to cut off a piece of himself to get to heaven. A part of him did wonder; would he be able to reach heaven without completely changing who he was. TJ’s eyes began to sting with tears like they had when Buffy was talking to him. He looked back at the question that Cyrus had asked.

**TJ:** Honestly?

**Cyrus:** Only if you are comfortable with it.

TJ took a deep breath; a tear fell onto his phone screen.

**TJ:** I have no idea if it’s worth it. But the thought of losing out on going to heaven terrifies me.

Nothing happened in the conversation after that. TJ was left on read; there was no typing bubbles either. Had his answer made Cyrus give up on him? Did he somehow offend him? TJ sat there, reading the messages over and over again. He wanted to scream at himself, why had he said that? Cyrus must've thought he was a lost cause. So many different thoughts were cramming their way into TJ’s head; he just wanted to sedate his mind and stop worrying so much. He felt like he was trapped in a cage with whole bunch of little kids all trying to get his attention at the same time, pulling him in a hundred different directions. His face was hot, with tears and frustration etched into it. Half of him wanted to say screw it and just tell Cyrus about his feelings, and the other half seemed to be looking at him in disgust at the very thought of him confessing his feelings to the boy.

An hour went by of TJ silently crying to himself in his room. The sun had set outside, and the sky was a black abyss. The only thing lighting the room was a small lamp on his nightstand. He had cried so much that he seemed to have run out of tears. His phone suddenly buzzed.

**Cyrus:** Would you want to meet me tonight? I know a place that’s good at soothing your mind. You can say no if you want to, I would completely understand. I really just want to hug you and let you know in person, that no matter what you end up choosing, you’ll still have your friends and me.


	3. Dueling thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TJ makes a tough decision.

As TJ shrugged his hoodie on and walked down the stairs as quietly as he could manage, he couldn’t help but hear the screams of disapproval coming from his head. A huge part of him did not want him to ruin everything for this boy. This boy who had no idea who he was and had no idea how much this decision was affecting TJ. Maybe he had some idea, TJ couldn’t really be the judge of that. All that TJ did know, was that; his crush asked to meet him at a park, not too far from his house, in the middle of the night.

TJ had had a crush on Cyrus since freshman year when one of TJ’s teammates had been in the school play and was forced to go and see it. TJ’s teammate was part of the ensemble, but Cyrus was the lead, and TJ had been entranced by his performance. After that, TJ had made a point of going to any show Cyrus was in.

The cold night air rushed over TJ as he opened his front door as silently as he could manage. A shiver ran over him as he latched the door. The moon was full tonight and lit up the streets where the streetlights couldn’t reach. As he followed the map to the destination, TJ had to stop and take a few deep breaths to calm himself. He had only ever told Buffy about his feelings for boys. Now he had just doubled the number of people who knew and was going to go and probably talk about it more with that new person who knew. Of course, the only other person who knew had to be his crush. At least he hadn’t told Cyrus that part.

A car driving by made TJ jump. He looked back down at the map and saw that he was only a few blocks from the park. He still had time to turn around and not ruin everything. If Buffy were here, she would probably be pushing him to walk faster. Technically, TJ had never said that he would even meet up with Cyrus, he had only asked for the address. He still had an excuse not to show up. With that, he turned around.

_What am I doing?_ He thought to himself, _Don’t act on the feelings; it’s just the devil telling you that it’s not actually bad._ A small voice in the back of TJ’s head said, _How could it be wrong to care for another person?_ These dueling thoughts were going back and forth in his mind, and TJ hated listening to it.

TJ looked around; he wasn’t close to any houses. The dueling thoughts were almost screaming now, TJ had to grip the sides of his head to try and focus. Suddenly he was yelling, “STOP!” at the top of his lungs.

TJ sat down on the ground and hugged his knees to his chest. He began rocking slightly; if he went through with this, who knew what would happen to his soul. Cyrus could just be a trick from the devil for all he knew. But how could someone as kind, understanding, and sweet as Cyrus, be bad?

Taking a deep breath, and shaking his head clear of his thoughts, TJ stood up and turned back toward the park.

Apparently, TJ had beat Cyrus there; no one was at the park. TJ walked around the perimeter, watching for any movement. Nothing. TJ was making his last loop around the park when he had the sudden urge to sit on the swings.

TJ slowly approached them and took a seat on the familiar feeling seat. It’s odd when something you’ve never been on can still feel familiar. The swings used to be TJ’s favorite when he was little. He loved swinging and seeing how far he could go when he launched himself off of them. Another thing he loved was pushing his friends on the swings; he loved giving them underdogs as frequently as possible.

TJ pumped his legs as he felt the cold night air blow against him. For the first time in a long time, TJ’s mind finally calmed and went quiet. It was just him, the cold chains in his hand, and the rubber seat beneath him. Closing his eyes, TJ felt a tear fall down his cheek. This was a tear of relief, instead of frustration, like the ones he had shed earlier in the night.

“Hi,” said a familiar voice.

TJ’s eyes shot open. He dug his feet into the ground to stop himself. TJ stood up from the swing and looked into the comforting eyes of Cyrus.

“Surprise, I’m…” TJ couldn’t say the word.

Cyrus gave him a half-smile and wrapped his arms around TJ and squeezed him tight. TJ hesitated but ended up wrapping his arms around Cyrus as well. Cyrus’ face was buried in TJ’s shoulder, TJ could feel his warm breath there.

Cyrus pulled away and took a step back as he looked into TJ’s eyes with a serious face, “You’re going to be okay.”

“You don’t know that, though,” TJ said.

“I do know that you’re not alone in this TJ.”

TJ sighed, “I know that. But me being here is going to ruin everything.”

A sad look formed on Cyrus’ face, “I came to give you hug and make sure you know that you aren’t alone. We can just leave it at that, and I’ll go.”

Cyrus turned and started to walk away. Maybe Cyrus was right, was heaven worth it if it meant giving up a part of yourself? Maybe TJ could make heaven here on earth. Who was he to say that his heart was mistaken for liking someone so special? Maybe if getting to heaven meant losing a piece of himself, TJ didn’t need it.

TJ took a few steps forward and grabbed Cyrus’ wrist, Cyrus froze, “Cyrus, wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this! I hope you liked it! Kudos are always appreciated, but I love reading comments too! I'll definitely respond too.


End file.
